My first STD was from a foam party
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
