there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
