first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
