if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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