It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
this is an emotional support booty call
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
