It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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