I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
