So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
