Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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