I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?