You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
the day after is always just damage control
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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