He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Randomize
