this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
