When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
