Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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