the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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