I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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