I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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