I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
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I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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