my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
