I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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