Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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