i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
