I am in a vortex of obligation.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
