Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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