The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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