im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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