How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
