If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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