is your mom at the bar?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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