I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
