Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
So many bounce houses so little time
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
