Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
