***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
he thought i was a dude.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
