Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
