i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Randomize
