My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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