just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.