I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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