you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
