i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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