my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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