Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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