I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
