He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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