I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
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I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
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Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
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