The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
