Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
