mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
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