Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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