Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
