seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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