I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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