I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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