your parents love me but you hate me
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
