omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
