I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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